Swimming Against the Current

"I can't figure you out, you've got more fight in you than anybody else. And here's the part where I start to to make my own damn decisions and make a name for myself."

- Never Be What You Want by We Are The In Crowd 

This is the rebellious and antagonistic side of us all. It is stubborn, cowardly and prideful. I have said those lines on my own so many times. I runaway and say I can do things on my own. I slam my fists on the table and say "I'll do this myself then." And it is so true, that I can't figure God out. He has more fight in Him than anyone else does for my life and my soul. He won't even really let me walk away! I kick and scream and claim I am running away, but He follows behind me all along and never forsakes me.

In this situation there are two natural qualities that really stand out to me. I am naturally rebellious and prideful, while God is naturally victorious and refuses to let us go. It is an instinct that dwells within my flesh to give up when times get hard--when things don't go my way. And I instinctively get angry at the situation, then at God and just want to throw the towel in. I want to punch, kick and scream then crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep. I think we have all had those days. If I didn't think so, I wouldn't be so honest about myself having those kinds of days.

God's natural quality in this situation is nurturing and sheparding. He remains with us. He holds us close, even though we are squirming against His strong-loving arms. His graceful and loving current is strong, and therefore we cannot swim against the current. We can merely try before getting swept off our feet and unwillingly thrust into His current again! 

Countless times I have "thrown in the towel", but God's love is strong. And His grace overcomes all. I cannot figure it out; it is so simple, yet mysterious! I have come to the part several times where I want to do things on my own and think I can make a name for myself. That is right before quickly realizing that the only name that can actually make a name for itself is that of Jesus!  

How beautiful, how marvelous, and how glorious that we can not swim away from our God even when we try. 

Hallelujah! 

Our Identity is in Heaven

A huge suffocator for a lot of people comes from a false identity. People believe that their actions define who they are. Therefore, when they make mistakes, they let their mistakes define them. Their mistakes become their identity and they may even believe that they are a mistake! Often times people look to their past for identity too because they believe that their past will determine their future. But we must open our eyes, we MUST! Because the world around is full of mistakes and past failures, but as Christians, we are not of this world so the faults of the world do not define us.

We live in a fallen world. We come from fallen people, broken and full of sin. That is who we are in this world--broken and fallen, but we are not of this world. We are not condemned by our sin. We are covered in grace. We have risen up with Christ from the grave and we are made new. Even better is we are with Christ in Heaven. Just because we live in a world of brokenness does not mean our identity is brokenness. Our identities are in the Kingdom of Heaven, because that is where God has placed us when we were covered in grace by Christ; He placed us in the Kingdom.  

Since we are really a part of the Kingdom then we are merely passing through this world. Who we are is spoken over us by our King in Heaven. He has the omniscient perspective; He is the Alpha, Omega and Creator of All. His perspective tells us who we are and we are His children. And He has invited us into the Kingdom of Heaven (spiritually) to be with Him. If we just ask He will reveal to us the way He sees us, as opposed to seeing ourselves through the brokenness around us. 

Matthew 7:7-8 "7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened," when we ask God for His perspective He shows us! And oh man! It is a great perspective! Now I can tell you a surplus of general identity statements; like you are His child and you are the redeemed, but you should ask Him yourself. Because He will give you specific words that name you. He will reveal to you not just an identity, but a unique identity because he crafted each one of us differently for a special purpose. Do not be afraid to ask, for you are His child and He longs to hear your voice, "14b Show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely," (Song of Songs 2:14b). 

What is "Suffocating"?

A young girl walking home late at night is never a rational or wise choice. Nothing can justify this. This however, was her only way home, or so she thought, and so she continued to walk home. The young girl took all the same short cuts she would have during the day and found herself in an alley way with a man lurking in the shadows. As unaware and naive as she was, she was the perfect target he thought, for all the torture he could instill upon her. She continued walking through this alley with no suspicions what-so-ever when the man made his leap. He had two things for his torture, he had a plastic bag to suffocate her with and a knife to take to her skin. Let me mention though, that this man had no intention of death, only the intention of torture. I'll tell you too, he succeeded. So with the bag over her head and knife against the back of her neck, he would let her suffocate while gently cutting the back of her neck. Then he would suddenly give her a short breath and remove the knife right before repeating the same abuse again. This momentary freedom and false hope provided just as he had hoped--torture. The young girl was so close to death, yet so far in the midst of mere torture and only torture--the torture of suffocation and a sharp pain to accompany it. 

        She woke up form her nightmare in a sweat. She opened her eyes to find she had woken up to her own nightmare as reality once again. She was in all actually still the same young girl suffocating in her own thoughts and negative rhythms just as much as she was the young girl in her dream suffocating in a plastic bag--so close but still so far from death in both realms. She had discovered this place of suffocation when she landed upon the wretched shore of her parent's divorce years ago. This "island" was not a physical reality, but actually an understatement of her mentally reality. This was not a typical island however, because it was not a good vacation spot. And it was not romantic or adventurous; it was torture. Her boat had crashed ashore here in a sad, wretched, and treacherous way, She was not lying out, tanning in her pink polka dot bikini because she had an amazing body to show off. It was not sunny out and her boyfriend was not jumping in the ocean saying, “Come on in Honey, the water’s fine!” because the water was far from “fine”. And it was not sunny out. Perhaps it was raining?

         She did not think of her mental isolation as an island because it was tropical and pleasant or peaceful. The simple fact is that islands are isolated just as she was stranded in her own negative rhythm of thinking. She was completely lost and submerged in her own thoughts, ways, and problems. She was surrounded by all four sides—perfectly trapped. When she tried to swim away, she drowned. She would drown in more thoughts, specifically thoughts of the realization that she was truly trapped. It was all her mind and her own reality and there was not, and never would be, a way out, at least that is how she believed. Yet worst of all, as said before, it was not a sunny island. In fact, it did often rain. The storm clouds would come in at day break and last until her last blink before sleep. It was just a consuming sadness. Like your own skin. Can you peel out of it? No. So she could not get out of her own sadness. However you would like to look at it; being at the bottom of a deep hole and trying to climb out, drowning in an ocean and only continually bobbing up and down completely out of breath--or just trying to peel out of your own skin. Regardless, she was stuck, as simple and horrible as that.

         

So Much Grace, Like Soooo Much.

A girl's parents are away for the weekend and she decides to invite a guy, whom she is some-what interested in, to come over and watch a movie Saturday night.
This day and age we all know well that two people of opposite sex watching one movie together at night time and especially while parents are not home is just a bad way to start things off. And you'll see that holds true that it was a bad way to start things off in this story.
As most stories go, one thing leads to another--so this story goes that way too. One thing did lead to another which lead to, "No, please stop". This request was not respected. That request of "No," was not anticipated by the young man because he was not the one who had instigated this evening in the first place. This young girl, who had only had the intention of merely leading this young man on through manipulation for the sake of power, was now actually a victim of her own manipulation.
You can guess from here what I mean by victim, she said no, but he said yes. This society would blame the young man. This society says the young man raped this poor, innocent, and helpless young girl. So my question is this--if the young girl is so poor, innocent, and helpless why did she invite the young man over to a house where there are no parents, when it is night time to be alone with him. Surely this "young" girl is not so young she is simply naive. Even if she is naive, surely naive does not justify any of this story.

From here on out I want to just answer my own questions. My intention of this blog is to make you think, but not by asking you questions. I want to ask and answer my own questions to make you think so that I can prove a point, so that this can resonate on your heart, so that you can ultimately have grace for each gender no matter which gender you are.

This story is not played out by one person who played only one role. No, the girl played her role and so did the boy. No one is to blame, but both are at fault. There is power in manipulating a young-man to come over to your house late at night by urging him with the knowledge that her parents will not be home, and they're "going to watch a  movie". The girl is given the upper hand by manipulating the boy to come over, when he may know deep down it is wrong, and she attempts to continue to hold the upper hand when she says "No, don't go that far." The girl who was once the manipulator and held the upper hand then becomes the victim of her own manipulation and seduction. As this scenario plays out, the girl becomes bitter towards this boy and towards all boys. The boy becomes ashamed and feels condemned. There should not be bitterness or shame for either gender at any time.
This becomes a mad cycle of a girl feeling victimized then trying to become powerful again and a boy feeling ashamed and then repeating what made him feel ashamed because he feels he can not do any better. I believe I serve a God who forgives murders. I believe I serve a God who has more than enough grace for all the young men and women suffering in these cycles.
Girls: What if a man across the street whistles at you while you walk by? Should you feel victimized or disrespected? Perhaps that is disrespect, but you should know your identity is not based on young men around you trying to figure the same stuff out, but your identity is found in the kingdom of heaven where you sit by the throne of God who is enthralled in your beauty.
Men: I am a girl with a mad amount of grace for you. I have looked at men as monsters because of what some young men have done to me, but I repent and I apologize. Y'all have got society against you just as much as society is against women.

I basically believe God calls us to all have grace for each gender, because he has grace for each gender, like so much grace, sooo much.

And in time, this too shall pass.

           Moving is most definitely not the hardest thing I've ever done--but it is way up there on the list. I would say like top five. I've been through a lot; like three divorces, death, I've been told I need to go to a psychiatrist and did and then was diagnosed with depression. A lot of people I've once called "family" got thrown out of my life and I've had my heart broken countless times by dumb boys. In the midst of all those times it felt never ending and like it was the worst thing I could ever go through. But all those times passed and flew away like a bird. Now all that's left is the memories of their wings floating above the horizon.

       So basically, I just can not wait until this is over with. I can not wait until all my stuff is packed and put in the garage, then I'll have my mom pack it all in my car. Then it'll all be over with and I can drive away. Once I'm there, all that's left is unpacking; which will mostly be the fun part.
       I know God would not call me to do something impossible, even it was by secular definition "impossible", I believe He would make it possible.
How great a reassurance that God makes all things possible through His own glory and power-
Matthew 19:26, Genesis 11:6 and Philippians 4:13
How wonderful that God's strength is made perfect in our weakness- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Stay a Dreamer my Darlings

Maybe--just maybe, not all dreams are meant to come true. Maybe some dreams are just momentary desires that we have to write down or say out loud just to comfort ourselves for the time being. So maybe dreaming is just a comforting escape. But, if some dreams never came true we would lose all hope in our dreams and stop. So that's why we can't let all dreams just stay dreams. . .
It's important to distinguish between the dreams we speak for momentary comfort and the dreams we truly desire to come true. We have to find those ones we really want and keep it in the pocket of our heart. We have to work in our everyday lives for that dream to become a reality. And if we can get those important ones to come true, then we can always keep on dreaming. Whether it be for momentary comfort or a life long desire, but the point is we've got to keep dreams alive. Dreams are the fertilizer to our hope for change and progress in our lives and this world.

Dear Michelle,

When I saw your Instagram photo about "Love thy booty" and I realized what the phrase was about it really stirred something in my heart. I am not good at directly replying to people when something stirs me like that, but I can blog or write songs. So I'm responding about "Love thy booty" through this blog. 
I got into my first serious relationship at 16 years old. I let that guy treat like I wasn't worth shit because when it came down to what was true based on my narrow-minded-perspective; it turned out I really wasn't worth much. That relationship didn't even last long, but it was crazy how much it affected me. It first brought me to my lowest point; cutting myself out of a realization that I was disrespecting myself in the relationship. Later it brought me strength when I finally found some courage to walk away, however it ultimately set the standard for my next three "relationships".
I got into a my second serious relationship also at 16 and this one was actually a long relationship. Although this guy genuinely did love me and care about me-at least to some degree-he did not respect me, cherish me or value me as much as I now believe I should have been. It's not just me though, it's every girl.

I would like to mention here that I am not entirely sure if Love Thy Booty is about stuff like self-worth and value and self image or if its just about self image, yet in my opinion I think they go somewhat hand in hand.

Anyway, after those two relationships every time I talked to a guy I let them treat me like I was some kind of property, like they could do whatever they wanted with me and say whatever they wanted to me. For quite some time I took no power or value over my own physical body. I truly believed, and acted upon those beliefs, that I belonged to which ever guy thought I was good looking.

Today I look in the mirror and I really see myself though. I don't see some lonely girl who belongs to whoever wants her. I see myself clothed in my true identity-the identity God made for me. And God has made me wonderful. He has not made me property to men, but a companion (Genesis). And in the same way that God treasures, cherishes and delights in me (Psalms 18:19) as his daughter so should any man who truly and seriously wants to pursue my heart. I realize today that I am loved by the creator of the universe who holds my heart in his hands, and he loved me enough to send his only son to die for me. Any man worth pursuing should have that same kind of love from God resonating and available in his heart because God has said that I am worth sacrificial love. I also know now that my body is a temple unto the Lord and a dwelling place for the Holy Spirit (1 Corin 6:19). Not just knowing or understanding these truths has changed my life, but believing them and living by these truths with my whole heart has given me a great new joy and confidence.

I belong to an amazing, holy, kind and sovereign God; physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally I belong to this God. This God is not just someone who I can say owns me, but my God is a God who cherishes me, loves me, values me, respects me and would even-or has even- died for me.

These truths are life changing. These truths are how we can love thy booty.