And in time, this too shall pass.

           Moving is most definitely not the hardest thing I've ever done--but it is way up there on the list. I would say like top five. I've been through a lot; like three divorces, death, I've been told I need to go to a psychiatrist and did and then was diagnosed with depression. A lot of people I've once called "family" got thrown out of my life and I've had my heart broken countless times by dumb boys. In the midst of all those times it felt never ending and like it was the worst thing I could ever go through. But all those times passed and flew away like a bird. Now all that's left is the memories of their wings floating above the horizon.

       So basically, I just can not wait until this is over with. I can not wait until all my stuff is packed and put in the garage, then I'll have my mom pack it all in my car. Then it'll all be over with and I can drive away. Once I'm there, all that's left is unpacking; which will mostly be the fun part.
       I know God would not call me to do something impossible, even it was by secular definition "impossible", I believe He would make it possible.
How great a reassurance that God makes all things possible through His own glory and power-
Matthew 19:26, Genesis 11:6 and Philippians 4:13
How wonderful that God's strength is made perfect in our weakness- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Stay a Dreamer my Darlings

Maybe--just maybe, not all dreams are meant to come true. Maybe some dreams are just momentary desires that we have to write down or say out loud just to comfort ourselves for the time being. So maybe dreaming is just a comforting escape. But, if some dreams never came true we would lose all hope in our dreams and stop. So that's why we can't let all dreams just stay dreams. . .
It's important to distinguish between the dreams we speak for momentary comfort and the dreams we truly desire to come true. We have to find those ones we really want and keep it in the pocket of our heart. We have to work in our everyday lives for that dream to become a reality. And if we can get those important ones to come true, then we can always keep on dreaming. Whether it be for momentary comfort or a life long desire, but the point is we've got to keep dreams alive. Dreams are the fertilizer to our hope for change and progress in our lives and this world.

Dear Michelle,

When I saw your Instagram photo about "Love thy booty" and I realized what the phrase was about it really stirred something in my heart. I am not good at directly replying to people when something stirs me like that, but I can blog or write songs. So I'm responding about "Love thy booty" through this blog. 
I got into my first serious relationship at 16 years old. I let that guy treat like I wasn't worth shit because when it came down to what was true based on my narrow-minded-perspective; it turned out I really wasn't worth much. That relationship didn't even last long, but it was crazy how much it affected me. It first brought me to my lowest point; cutting myself out of a realization that I was disrespecting myself in the relationship. Later it brought me strength when I finally found some courage to walk away, however it ultimately set the standard for my next three "relationships".
I got into a my second serious relationship also at 16 and this one was actually a long relationship. Although this guy genuinely did love me and care about me-at least to some degree-he did not respect me, cherish me or value me as much as I now believe I should have been. It's not just me though, it's every girl.

I would like to mention here that I am not entirely sure if Love Thy Booty is about stuff like self-worth and value and self image or if its just about self image, yet in my opinion I think they go somewhat hand in hand.

Anyway, after those two relationships every time I talked to a guy I let them treat me like I was some kind of property, like they could do whatever they wanted with me and say whatever they wanted to me. For quite some time I took no power or value over my own physical body. I truly believed, and acted upon those beliefs, that I belonged to which ever guy thought I was good looking.

Today I look in the mirror and I really see myself though. I don't see some lonely girl who belongs to whoever wants her. I see myself clothed in my true identity-the identity God made for me. And God has made me wonderful. He has not made me property to men, but a companion (Genesis). And in the same way that God treasures, cherishes and delights in me (Psalms 18:19) as his daughter so should any man who truly and seriously wants to pursue my heart. I realize today that I am loved by the creator of the universe who holds my heart in his hands, and he loved me enough to send his only son to die for me. Any man worth pursuing should have that same kind of love from God resonating and available in his heart because God has said that I am worth sacrificial love. I also know now that my body is a temple unto the Lord and a dwelling place for the Holy Spirit (1 Corin 6:19). Not just knowing or understanding these truths has changed my life, but believing them and living by these truths with my whole heart has given me a great new joy and confidence.

I belong to an amazing, holy, kind and sovereign God; physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally I belong to this God. This God is not just someone who I can say owns me, but my God is a God who cherishes me, loves me, values me, respects me and would even-or has even- died for me.

These truths are life changing. These truths are how we can love thy booty.

Growing Up

We all get that same feeling during a mile stone of our life, "Oh man, I feel like I am getting so old." I've gone through some big mile stones and after each one I expect that feeling to go away. I always thought I'd eventually grow up and wouldn't have that "Oh, I'm getting so old," feeling anymore. But I suppose if we're getting older every second, every minute, every hour and every day then that feeling will never go away.

Babies learn to crawl, to use their teeth, to pick things up, walk and talk; they just keep growing up and getting older. Then they're a kid. Remember your first day of Kindergarten, "Golly, I'm a big kid now!"
But then just wait till your first day of first grade. Next thing you know; you're riding a bike without training wheels, walking home from school by yourself, and riding in the front seat of the car.

I still remember the first day of my Freshman year of High School, goodness did I think I was SO old! Then Junior year, upper class man status=ollldddd!

It's so surreal, the growing up thing. It's like it never really happens, as if we are continually growing up our whole lives.

Then you get your drivers licenses. I remember that too, I thought I was all grown up and sooo cool.

Tonight I am back at that same feeling, "Oh man, I feel like I am getting so old," because in 15 days I am moving away from home. I am moving out of parent's house. I am moving to a whole other state with no family. I will be living in an apartment and paying bills a month from now.

Where does the time go? You know what I remember? I remember not being strong enough to pour myself a glass of milk when the jug was full. I remember not being able to brush my own hair. I remember being 5 years old sitting in the back seat of my dad's red 4 runner singing along to Avril Lavigne's first CD. We were driving through Buena Vista, CO--some little small mountain town we stayed in to go skiing at Copper Mountain every winter. My brother was in the seat next me; probably annoyed because he didn't care for Avril. And both my parents were up front--like together in the same car, not divorced. I remember when they got divorced and I thought I was growing up because I realized life was hard.

Right now I am growing up too though. So did I not get older all those other times? Did all those times I thought I was growing up mean nothing? No, because growing up isn't something that happens all at once. It's something that takes place your whole entire life. It's your experiences--good or bad--that shape you into your identity. We never stop growing up.

I swear I'll see my first grand kid between 50 and 60 [years old] and think, "Oh man, I feel like I am getting so old," but I won't be. I'll just be growing up; becoming wiser, stronger, well-rounded, and experienced because that grand kid is going to teach me what I've never experienced before. As long as we are experiencing something new, we are still growing up.

A Bitter-Sweet Goodbye

The road ahead of me is beautiful and exciting. The grass is newly planted, therefore fresh and green--ready to be watered and kept healthy. The sky is cloudless,not truly, but that's the way I see it. There is so much adventure in store and so many opportunities awaiting my arrival.
The road behind me is dreary and closed. The trees have been burnt down and where there was once grass there is dirt and mud. The sky is dark and grey along with the memories of that road. It's a place I would never go again, but have still learned much from.
The road I am on is full of nostalgia. The leaves on the trees are all full of color, but now falling off and the sun is always setting; longing for the day before and the day ahead at the same time. I am not gone yet, but leaving soon. I miss the days when I had all the time in the world with the people I love. I miss the simple days in school, when we could have fun without having to plan our future at the same time.

We are all in the same rickety boat and on the same bitter-sweet path; planning our futures, thinking both realistically and optimistically, getting ready to leave home, preparing to say goodbye, spending our last moments at home with our loved ones. The only difference is, I am five steps ahead. I have my future planned, I have done all my thinking, I am mostly packed to leave home, I have prepared to say goodbye, and I am spending my last moments home with my loved ones.

I don't know what else to call it except for "bitter-sweet".

Bitter- My beloved friends mean the world to me, I want to know their life and not miss the everyday details. I want to hold them when they cry. I want to laugh with them and yell with them when the world sucks. They are everything to me here at home, I will miss them beyond words. My biggest fear is they won't miss me as much when school starts back and their time is occupied.

Sweet- There is so much in store for me on this journey. God is already opening so many doors and building so many new and great relationships. The next 6 months-1 year is going to be the foundation for what God is going to do in the rest of my life.

To sum it up and explain why I needed to blog about this. . .Basically I am stoked to move, and I have been stoked to move--for months. I have been feeling all the sweet parts about this bitter-sweet move for the past five months. So as the time for me to say goodbye and leave my loved ones approaches, I am now beginning to feel the bitter parts. I'm leaving behind my friends and family who I can only hope keeps in touch with me by reaching out to them. I just pray God blesses all the long distance relationships that are in His will and plan for my life.

Your will be done God, forever & ever, amen.