I started writing lyrics around the same time my parents got divorced. I was 6 or 7 when they got divorced and I started writing songs as soon as I was capable of writing at all. I know I was young because I remember writing songs as young as third grade. But also because every now and then when I clean out a closet I find tarnished pieces of paper with 2nd grader chicken scratches; words that are far from spelled write, but very phonetic. I had melodies, verses, choruses and bridges. I didn't have those names for it, but I left several spaces between a few lines of words at a time. I remember the day I learned the word "Chorus" and I was soooo excited to finally have a name for the section that was always repeated three or four times in a song ( because "the section that is repeated multiple times" is way too long a name). I also remember the days I learned the words 'verse' and 'bridge'. When I didn't know the word 'verse' for sections 1 and 2 I called them 'parts'. There was 'part 1, 'part 2' and 'part 3' was typically the bridge. With every new word I was ecstatic to finally have a name for the things I was already writing. I also remember when I learned how to say, "I write lyrics" instead of, "I write words for songs". So the point is I've been writing lyrics for quiet awhile and since I was very little.
I don't think it's any coincidence that Is tarted writing lyrics right after my parent's divorce. Sometimes I wonder if I would've ever started writing if my parents hadn't gotten divorce. I think I would've because I am sure that something else tragic would've happened at some point to spark it, but I think it would've just been a lot later on. I think I needed that tragic experience to begin writing. I think the depth of emotion I felt at such a young was so deep and complicated I had no idea how to express it. I think I picked up a pen and paper and started writing words (that were not at all spelled correctly) and suddenly the words sounded more like singing in my head than talking. I remember I wrote about vague mysterious things that I didn't really understand, writing stuff like "I look up at the stars and wonder". It's like my subconscious knew that everything going on around me was too big and great for me to understand, but I think I also had some idea that everything going on around me was somehow controlled by something even more greater that I couldn't understand. I'm not a children's psychologist so I don't know what was really going on my head, especially my subconscious. I just know what I remember. And I remember writing about things I didn't even understand. I remember being in third or fourth grade and writing about break ups. That doesn't even make sense, I had never been through one. I think I just knew that sometimes things don't work out in life; sometimes puzzle pieces that look like thy fit together really don't. I think that's how I saw my parent's divorce; as some vague, mysterious concept I didn't understand, I just knew that two people who looked like they went together all of a sudden no longer did go together.
I believe that my parent's divorce was like a key to unlock a box of many songs. I think something tragic that I didn't understand had to open up a box inside me to start writing. Because it was something tragic that had to unlock that box many of my songs since then have been sad. I also struggled with depression since my parent's divorce. Through elementary school, middle school and high school I have felt things on a ridiculously deep level. A splinter could feel like a third degree burn. So then I would write about my splinters like they were third degree burns. By that I mean if a guy didn't like me back in middle school, I could go home and write a song about it as if I was going through my first heart break and break up.
Now I'm going to start getting to the bigger point of this story; redemption. For me; in my head, my life, in my perspective I believe that my song writing has redeemed my parent's divorce. Today it is redeemed, not in middle school when I was writing about depressing stuff. You see my parent's divorce lead to me feeling something so deep I couldn't understand it at a young age, so I started writing. The divorce also lead to my depression though so my writing became pretty sad and complicated stuff. Today in my walk with God he has completely redeemed my song writing. And because my song writing is redeemed, so is my depression and my parent's divorce. Actually, each of their other divorces are redeemed too. My dad got remarried when I was in sixth grade and my mom got remarried when I was in 8th grade. I saw both divorces coming because of all the fighting. My dad got divorced at the end of 8th grade and my mom got divorced the end of my Freshmen year. With so much divorce and fighting I believe that just continued to keep my song writing in the dumps. I didn't believe in love for years because of all that happened in my family.
So the redemption is this; for years I didn't believe in love because of what happened in my family, today I write love songs for Jesus because of what he has done in my life. I used to write dramatic break up songs in middle school and high school because I felt everything on such a deep level, today I write lyrics about the depth of God and his faithfulness. It's amazing that when I doubted love, trust and faithfulness the most God showed me his unconditional and everlasting love, faithfulness and trustworthiness the most. Today I write songs that redeem my past and my family's history. I am raw and real with God because he understands my past.
I wrote a song called 'You Have Me' when I was a Freshmen and I had my mom's and dad's second divorces in mind when I wrote it. The first verse says,
"In this world people come and people go, but I don't wanna be the one to go. God I want to stay with you."
Then I write, "Promises are broken, but yours are never broken. And I don't want to be the one to break. I want you to have me wholeheartedly."
I am writing about my step-mom and step-dad coming and going during the re-marriages and second divorces. I'm talking about broken marriage vows when I write about promises being broken and God knows that because he sees my heart. He knows my family's history and better yet he understands. It says in Hebrews 4:15 that Jesus emphasizes with us. How wonderful! This song in itself redeems so much that I went through; people coming and going because of broken promises. All the people that came and went and all the broken promises used to make me bitter; I thought I would always do the same things, walk away and break promises. But Jesus understood my pain and redeemed my heart! Today the coming and going and broken vows make me stronger! They stir in my heart a desire to never walk out on someone I am committed to, especially Jesus. And they give me a burning desire to stay true to any vows and promises I make; especially my vows to Jesus.
I believe I had to go through something tragic that I would feel to a depth I didn't understand for my music box to be unlocked. I think God purposely gave me a music box to be unlocked. I think in a 'Perfect Earth' (like the Garden of Eden in Genesis 1) God would've unlocked my box in an un-painful way, but we don't live in that 'Perfect Earth'. So when God saw that my parents were going to get divorced he decided to use it for good and turn me into a lyric-writing-machine. At first my songs weren't worship for him, they were sadness and bitterness. But even sad and bitter songs can sound beautiful. A sad situation can be redeemed through a beautiful sad song, but God wanted to take it farther than a beautiful sad song. So he redeemed my heart and my writing, so now I write worship songs for him. But because of my past, my songs are more personal they would've been without a sad past. They aren't just "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty" (there is nothing wrong with that), but I can speak to God personally through my music and he understands me. My broken past that I am still overcoming some days just gives me an opportunity to be closer to God in different ways because God is in the brokenness and beautiful redemption comes from brokenness and hurting. Also, because I felt such sadness on a deep and intense I can now feel God's love and glory on that same deep and tense level.
This is living redemption. We serve a God who redeems. Hallelujah.
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